From the Incredible! Series: The Amazing 10 Fingered Lady

No special FX or web trickery were used to produce this genuine footage. Don't try this at home.

I can't quite say how old she was but over 70 for sure. I did ask, via my intepreter (the wife), how come she still had all her fingers she laughed my question off and said: practice.

Practice makes perfect and saves limbs. Remember that.

For the record, this was a Chinese New Year related offering. The chicken, as well as all sorts of other goodies, were eventually offered to the gods. Fortunately it did find its way to to my tummy.

Touch Your Heart

This is the blurb adopted by the Taiwanese government to promote tourism. I don't think it's a particularly good one. It would have worked for some initiative by an organisation of heart surgeons, but not when you're trying to promote a country like Taiwan.

On the technical side of things it's not particularly efficient. Given the travel industry relies on the web for it's existance it would have made sense to include the most import keyword: "Taiwan." India, global centre of out-sourced SEOs (Search Engine Optimisers), got it right with their Incredible India campaign.

Also, www.touchyourheart.com was never registered and has since become one of a gazillion useless squatted domains.

"Touch Your Heart" is vague and a bit on the cheesy side. More importantly, it doesn't describe what Taiwan has to offer. It doesn't come close to representing the experience.

Back to the drawing board: what are Taiwan's selling points?

The government is eager to get more people to the island and develop its tourism industry. Visa restrictions are being lifted and cross-straight travel is now a reality. There is talk of building casinos too.

With money pouring in, whoever is responsible for promoting Taiwan's image should get back to the drawing board and deliver ideas that are original, creative and... true. There isn't a lack of talent - the creative industry, albeit small-scale and hidden under rocks, is top-notch. It shouldn't be hard for some clever people to come up with a super-effective campaign.

So what are Taiwan's the selling points? I've been here less than a year but I've spotted a few:

• Technology - This is a high-tech country that produces amazing technology. A geek paradise. I would pay money for a tour of Acer's innovation labs, for example. Also, with the money you save buying techy stuff here you can cover your airfare.

• Nature (a well kept secret)- When you land in Taipei and make your way to a city you don't see particularly beautiful scenery. Quite the opposite and the result of rather chaotic urbanthe most beautiful scenery. Honestly, when I travelled around the island in 2005 I was suprised by its beauty. An campaign promoting Taiwan's natural resources should play on this juxtaposition: the urban, high-tech and somewhat chaotic West VS the lush greenery and dolomite-like mountains of the East.
  

• Healthcare - Taiwan has developed one of the world's best healthcare systems. It's efficient and cheap. For example, my wife's eye test last week cost less than 5 Euros. Not only that, the doctor suggested she have a small laser-based op the same day, which she did the same morning in a nearby hospital.
  

• Birth-giving - It is common for Taiwanese women to sign themselves into a clinic for a month after giving birth. The idea, which is a traditional one so nothing new (and doesn't have to involve a clinic), is for the mother to be pampered for 40 days circa after childbirth. During this time nurses take care of the baby, the baby's daily needs and smelly by-products, leaving the mom to do... well, nothing. Partners can stay too (optionally). Staying in a clinic 40 days is not cheap but is affordable enough for most professionals. Such clinics should be marketed to 30+ female professionals in rich countries.
  

• Food (Touch Your Stomach) - I'm Italian, I know food. I love Taiwanese food so much that whenever I'm back in Europe I don't dare to go to a Chinese restaurant. The secret lies in a similar love of fodo the Taiwanese share with the Italians, and the fresh ingrediants that can bought pretty much anywhere. Fruit deserves a special mention, and one in particular: mango, which owes its juicness to the abundance of rainfall. A separate campaign promoting Taiwanese mangos could attract thousands alone - honestly!
  

• Urban chaos and a feel of the real economy - In the West we strive for pristine lives. We like to have everything neat and tidy, orderly and legal. "Best practice" is a warm and fuzzy word. But the price to pay is things like... having CCTVs set up in every street corner and big companies buying up the high streets. In the UK 1 in every 8 pounds is spent in a Tesco, which will sell you bananas that have been grown to specification. In Taiwan this is not the case, as it's not the case in most Asian countries. But Taiwan sets itself apart because it's advanced and wealthy, yet hasn't lost its asian-ness as much as Singapore has, for example. Walk out of your house and the streets are alive and buzzing: people selling stuff, buying stuff, hanging out, driving over each other, exercising, chilling out. It's often hard to figure out whether a shop is actually someone's living room or not. The boundries between public, semi-public and private are often hazy allowing life to slip through. You can get a feel of the economy at work in your own street as much as what you read in the business section of a newspaper.

• Taiwan is... China minus communism - Actually, Taiwan is more that that. The aboriginal cultures are a major asset and selling point. But I think it's fair to say that one can see how China might have developed had it not turned red. With God knows how many missles China has pointing towards Taiwan one appreciates more the value of freedom and democracy.

Got better ideas?

So what blurb could 'sell' Taiwan more effectively? I'll suggest a few silly ones and leave the clever ones to the marketing gurus. I just hope that these people are not the same ones that conceived and built taiwan.net.tw.

• Taiwan: Like China Only Better And Free
• Incredible Mangos
• Taiwan Dot Come
• When Geeks Die They Go To Taiwan

Feel free to add more by way of comment...

My Taiwan Pics: Lantern Festival, Taichung

The pupper thing is a baseballing cow

Test drive: Panasonic Intimist Bidet Seat

Forgive me if I start off the new year with this rather filthy post.

A couple of weeks ago my wife and I spent the weekend in a lovely hotel in Taipei, a modern thing with ample white-wallage, funky lighting, an all-controlling remote and the bathroom conceived as a walk-in glass box.

After doing so, I was very excited to discover that the toilet was, in fact, an electronic gizmo developed to auto-clean one's ass:

Figure 1

"Paper tends to distribute the problem"

This is what they say on www.washlet.com, a site selling a similar product to the one I tested. The idea being that a strong, focused jet of water aimed precisely at the anus does a much better job than the traditional toilet paper wipe.

Did it work? Well, yes and no. Having only tested it once I don't have enough data for a precise conclusion. What I can say, though, is that to achieve 100% cleanliness (and I won't say "so clean that you would want to eat off it") one should follow a diet consisting primarily of Wheetabix. Also, the system does not feature a feedback mechanism (eg. a cam connected to an LCD screen on the console) to determine whether a satisfactory level of cleanliness has been achieved. One ends up using toilet paper to check for residues anyway.

First use can be traumatic

Unless, of course, one is used to being poked in that spot. I am not.

The jet of water felt like it had the kinetic strength and temperature of a mini-tsunami originating from the antartic. A high-pitched squeel was inevitable.

For testing purposes I tried the pushing the women-only red button (see Figure 1 above). Scrotum sensitivity allowed me to acertain at what distance from my anus my vagina would be positioned had I been born female.

The anus constant (along the X,Y,Z axis)

For the product to be viable the water jet must be able to bullseye the anus each time. This means that every person in the world, no matter what size, height and bone structure, ends up with their anus in the same position, spatially speaking, when sitting on a toilet. It's as if our bodies have been designed specifically for this dynamic. If evolution can't explain this then it can only be a matter of intelligent bidet design.

The Crab Escape

In Taiwan seafood aspires to be free before becoming as such...

My Taiwan Pics: Taipei 101

Not quite.

The Cultural Significance of Air-Bound Fish in Traditional Taiwanese Weddings

In October I blogged about the wedding of  Minerva and Simfex (hyperlinkage: alt.taiwan.wedding.pics) and brought to the attention of my readers the significance of balloons at such events. Today I would like to expand on that theme and introduce another important one: the significance of air-bound fish as a central part of the celebration.

Before that, though, more balloonisms....

Hustler & Corby and the Popping of the Balloon

Since ancient times marrying couples in Taiwan have been required to perform an act of balloon popping as a way to guarantee fertility. These days standard party balloons are used for the ritual but before rubber was invented balloons were fashioned out of the intestines of small squirrels.

The ritual is simple: the balloon is placed between the couple and made to pop. This in normally a very easy task IF the groom is able to achieve a certain physical state and burst the balloon by way of poke. 

Figure 1: Hustler (left), Corby (right)

and the balloon (middle). Some people were concerned

that the balloon did not pop straight away.

Flying fish and the way of the Yami tribe

The Yami tribe are considered one of the oldest of Taiwan's indigenous people. They live on an island called Lanyu or Orchid Island off the south coast of Taiwan and have preserved many of their ancient traditions, one of which is the yearly Flying Fish Festival.

Modern Taiwanese weddings have adopted certain aspects of the Yami's Flying Fish Festival because of the parallel that can be drawn with the role of the Yami warrior-fisherman within the family unit.

At the start of the fishing season the brave warrior-fisherman takes to the sea to catch flying fish. This is a very dangerous task, hence the need for armour, helmet and spear. Once they make it back to shore the blood of the flying fish is smeared over the boats as a symbolic gesture for something or other.

Therefore, the presence of flying fish in modern Taiwanese weddings reminds everyone about the role of the brave warrior-fisherman taking care of the family.  Corby in this case -- I'm not quite sure that the role of Hustler should be.

The following video may seem like some prank played by the bride and groom's friends but it is a very significant and serious act. Yeah.